We often find ourselves gravitating towards relationships in which we try to replay something familiar that had not gone well in the past in hopes of doing it differently in the present. While we all hope for responsiveness in our connections to others (not merely romantic ones), it is also important to acknowledge aspects of ourselves that might not be fully open to an uncomplicated dynamic.
As a psychodynamically trained therapist, I go beyond focusing on coping skills and beyond attachment styles. I believe that it is necessary to pay attention to the internal world of each person, as well as to the shared internal world of the relationship as a whole–what role you each play in each other’s internal scripts and what you might be holding for one another. For example, while you may find yourself in an anxious pursuer role in one relationship (or at given time in a relationship), you may have your own avoidant parts and so might have gravitated toward a partner who is at a distance. Similarly, you may have found yourself in an avoidant role but, underneath, you might have significant levels of anxiety about closeness that have yet to be worked through. So, attachment patterns are just the tip of the iceberg.
Work on relational concerns may take place in individual or couple configurations, determined by your particular needs and situation.
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Inna Goldberg, LICSW 